I’ve spent far too much time lately fighting with those who have no understanding of what is required for an autism diagnosis. The arguments and myths I’ve encountered are at times upsetting, and other times absurdly ridiculous. So I’ve decided to pull together the most common “diagnostic criteria” that I’ve encountered, into a brand-new public-opinion-approved autism diagnosis:
Autism and Aspergers Diagnosis (note: Rett’s, PDD-NOS and CDD are not part of the Autism Spectrum. Anyone who mentions these terms must be met with a stony confused silence. Aspergers may be mis-spelt as “Assburgers” in order to provide a sense of personal superiority, and the illusion of cleverness, as required.)
The person being diagnosed must be no younger than three years old. Any diagnosis prior to age three is necessarily an incorrect diagnosis and is evidence of a paranoid parent seeking attention. A diagnosis after the age of three is too late for any meaningful intervention and is evidence of inattentive parenting. Diagnosis on the third birthday is the ideal.
An autistic person must not be able to lie or empathise with others. If you can catch your child out in a lie, teach them to lie, or to care what you feel, then your child was never autistic.
All autistic children are extraordinarily beautiful in physical appearance; if your child is beautiful, and they don’t lie to you, they might have the autism. It is important to call your local naturopath as soon as possible.
All autistic people have ears that are ultra-sensitive to touch. To rule out a diagnosis, touch the ear. If the person doesn’t cry or rage, it isn’t autism.
Autistic people walk on their tip-toes. If your child walks on their tip-toes at all as a preschooler, they are probably autistic. Avoid ballet class. Lots of extraordinarily beautiful people can be found in a ballet class too; the coincidence of tip-toe walking and physical beauty in ballet classes, is a growing area of research.
Autistic people are all exceptionally talented in at least one of the following ways. They can:
■ Solve a Rubik’s Cube. If you meet an autistic person, give them a Rubik’s Cube. (Or just throw a bunch of toothpicks at their feet; they like counting those too.)
■ Perform astounding mathematical feats. No autistic person requires a calculator.
■ Hack a major computer system, or
■ Write a major computer system (then hack it).
If a child is intellectually gifted, they have Aspergers. If they are shy, they have Aspergers. If they are intellectually gifted and shy, they have severe Aspergers.
In regards to cause, autism either has (a) no known cause; no one has ever figured out a single cause, genetic or otherwise, or (b) is known to be caused by immunizations, bad parenting and excessive computer use. The causes listed under (b) can also be generally categorized as “shitty parenting decisions” as an overall category. The “shitty parenting decisions” can take the general form of either (a) active abuse, or (b) neglect, and often both. The parent is to blame. Even when you know the genetic cause, the parent is to blame. If the parent isn’t to blame, it’s not autism.
Autism can be completely cured by a change in diet or by chelation. If the treatment is ineffective, then you are not doing enough of it and must do it more. Autism never improves with age, so if you were using a treatment and the child improved at all, the only possibility is the treatment has worked. The plural of anecdotal evidence, is “data.” The more emotional the anecdote, the better the data.
In summary, if your child looks extraordinarily beautiful, is exactly three years old, tip-toes, counts toothpicks, cries when you touch their ears, and has horrible parents, you should treat them for heavy metal poisoning.
Or, you could just look up the actual diagnostic criteria for autism spectrum conditions.
[image via Flickr/Creative Commons]