Aliens Invade Psychiatric Conference

Autistics Blamed, As Usual:  Confusion in Satire City

Earlier today, a small group of extraterrestrial visitors landed their flying saucer in the courtyard of a convention center just as an American Psychiatric Association conference was beginning.  According to several witnesses’ reports, one of the alien envoys approached a committee vice-chair, Dr. Stepford Wiseacre, saying “Take me to your leader.”

Dr. Wiseacre stamped his foot and shouted, “I’ve had more than enough of you uppity autistics interfering in normal people’s business!  How many times do I have to tell you that we’re not ‘the regime’ and your disordered sense of humor isn’t funny!  Now go on back to the group homes and institutions where you’re supposed to be, you annoying freaks.”

When he tried to shove the alien, Dr. Wiseacre had the misfortune of being knocked senseless by an electrical shock from a personal force field.  By the time he came back to consciousness, government agents already had whisked the aliens and their ship away to Area 51, while telling the conference’s guests that it was just a Secret Service training exercise.

Sitting in a nearby coffee shop gulping down an oversized cup of strong espresso to regain his wits, Dr. Wiseacre was persuaded, by means fair or foul, to give an exclusive interview to Shift Journal’s Tabloid Division.  The topic under discussion was, of course, how he could have mistaken the visitors for autistics, given the aliens’ obvious physical differences from humans.

“Anyone could have made that mistake,” the psychiatrist declared.  “Autistic people are always dressing up like sci-fi characters and being disruptive, aren’t they?  Besides, it’s not as if we ever paid much attention to their real characteristics or thought of them as fully human, you know.”

After staring glumly into the depths of his cup for a minute or so, Dr. Wiseacre took a handkerchief from his pocket, dabbed sweat from the top of his bald head, and proclaimed, “It’s all because of the gays.”


“Those gay activists who made a nuisance of themselves at our conferences forty years ago, demanding that we stop classifying homosexuality as a mental disorder.  Before that, when we told someone they were abnormal, they knew their place and didn’t give us any guff.  I always thought it was a big mistake to give in to the gays’ demands.  Now the autistics are getting out of line too, with all their yapping about neurodiversity.  Before you know it, everybody in the DSM will start thinking they’re entitled to the same rights as any other citizens.”

Dr. Wiseacre drained the last of his coffee and crushed the empty cup in his hand.  He went on, in a steadily rising voice, with his eyes bulging and the veins standing out on his forehead, “It’s got to be stopped before it goes any farther!  You know what I’m talking about, don’t you?  That upstart, evil, sneaky… SELF-ADVOCATE AGENDA!  Mark my words, if it’s not destroyed now, it’ll be the death of Western civilization!”

Everyone in the coffee shop turned to stare.  A few people started edging toward the exit.  Moments later, a pharmaceutical company representative, who was easily recognizable as such by her bulging satchel full of drug samples and bribes, got up from her chair and approached the psychiatrist.  Although she spoke in a voice too low to be overheard by the patrons, our intrepid reporter secretly recorded her words and played them back later, boosting the volume.

“Take your meds, Doctor.  These pesky outbursts of yours are not helping our plans for world domination.”

[image via Flickr/Creative Commons]

on 09/6/11 in Art/Play/Myth, featured | 1 Comment | Read More

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  1. Eihei Dogen Zenji says:


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